AFC Predictions: The Phins Will Not Make the Playoffs

The AFC is the deeper of the two conferences with heavyweights New England, San Diego, Indianapolis, and Pittsburgh. But the storyline in the AFC all season will be super annoying Brett Favre. The Patriots and Chargers will each win a ton of games in terrible divisions and the AFC South will rival the NFC East for the best division in football. Darren McFadden will be sensational as a rookie, much like Adrian Peterson last season and the Dreadful Dolphins will win more than one game. Without further adieu, NFL picks that are sure to be wrong, AFC Edition:

AFC East:
1. New England
2. New York Jets
3. Buffalo
4. Miami

AFC North:
1. Pittsburgh
2. Cleveland
3. Cincinnati
4. Baltimore

AFC South:
1. Indianapolis
2. Jacksonville
3. Houston
4. Tennessee

AFC West:
1. San Diego
2. Oakland
3. Denver
4. Kansas City

To see what the only person I know who has seen every Super Bowl thinks, go here.

Gridiron Granules: The Could This Clown Be Any More Annoying Edition

The long national nightmare is over, Brett Favre has a new team at last. I would rather watch Fox News go back to running a continuous loop of Jeremiah Wright clips or MSNBC commentators identifying more lobbyists in the John McCain camp or John McCain and Barack Obama continually bickering over tire pressure than another ESPN reporter live from Green Bay. Over the past two weeks, there was a 200% chance one could turn to ESPN News and see someone yakking about the old man. I have had about as much interest in Favre's final destination as I do about who will be America's Next Top Model. Did this clown really think the Packers were just going to release him and let him go to the Vikings or Bears? I am almost ready to move Favre up to #3 on my list of all-time annoying players in NFL history. Chad Pennington was immediately cut, which means he will end up on the Dolphins, as the quarterback situation seems dire (go here for a good laugh). I think baseball pennant races are still ongoing, so could ESPN stop with the saturation coverage of this buffoon. I actually heard someone say Broadway Brett. The Jets just went from a 5-6 win team to an 8-9 win team and nothing more, so keep any Joe Montana to the Chiefs talk to yourself.

The Day the Dolphins Died

It is rare that you could say that losing two defensive ends is a good thing, but that is exactly what Redskins fans are thinking today. After losing starter Phillip Daniels and reserve Alex Buzbee, the Redskins moved quickly and acquired the heart and soul of the Miami Dolphins, Jason Taylor. Taylor has more sacks than any active player by a wide margin (117 to Kevin Carter's 100) and was named Defensive Player of the Year only two years ago. Having suffered as a Dreadful Dolphins fan my entire life, I can say that the one constant with this team over the past 10 seasons has been the play of Taylor. For several years he has been the only reason to watch this team play, thus losing him to a franchise as utterly annoying as the Redskins is irritating. Parcells never warmed up to the idea of Taylor doing "Dancing with the Stars," so Taylor had to go. I think this exhibits a bit of stubbornness on the part of the new executive VP and leaves the franchise without a face for the coming season. As for the Redskins, the one thing they have severely lacked for the last 5 seasons is a bonafide pass rushers. Solid play from the team's linebackers and secondary has gone to waste because of a lack of pressure up front. The acquisition of Taylor will single-handedly fix their problem and add to my suffering.

With the First Pick in the 2008 NFL Draft...

As a longtime Pathetic Phins fan, last season was insufferable. When the season's high point is a Greg Camarillo (who?) touchdown reception, it is a bad, bad season. This team needs to upgrade at every position, but offensive line has been a glaring need for several years. It would have been better to trade the pick, but no one wants the first pick because of the ridiculous money required to sign first round picks, espeically the top pick overall. The majority of these new millionaires will be busts and never heard from. The NBA has the best approach to signing rookies. There is certainly nothing sexy about drafting an offensive lineman with the first pick, but the Ram's choice to draft Orlando Pace in 1997 seemed to work out pretty well for that franchise. Long is the safe pick and should at least be a competent offensive lineman in the NFL. The big question for this team is who will Mr. Long be blocking for? Josh McCown is currently the leader in the clubhouse (35 TD/40 INT in 6 seasons), which is no less exciting than having Cleo Lemon start for you (I am glad this guy is gone). John Beck was terrible last year as a rookie and does not inspire confidence and and no one who did not go to the University Wyoming has heard of Casey Bramlet. Personally, I would like to see them take a guy like Chad Henne, Joe Flacco, or, if available, Brian Brohm (remember when this guy was going to be the top pick) with the first pick in the second round because the collection of clowns that currently occupy the quarterback spot on this roster are backups in the Arena League.